Made for Your Mountain
“You are a match for your mountain.”
One line, simple font, creamy white page.
My Secret Santa at lululemon (where I sell high quality yoga pants part time) gifted me a book that ended up saving my life. Well, okay, that statement is extreme — but the impact those pages have made on my healing from a devastating heartbreak and caught-in-transition-moment is difficult to signify.
I Am Her Tribe, it is called.
Also if you are my Secret Santa thank you from the bottom of my heart for the book and the message of encouragement in it. Thank you, more than you may know how perfect the timing was.
I sat in my bed on a Monday morning clutching my already-frayed copy while trying to simply breathe. I was very much not OK.
My mind was replaying my failures reel, my anxiety was tangible — burning in my arms and legs, pulsing about my chest — and post-op pain meds were taking my thoughts to the darkest reaches I never thought possible.
Like I said, not ok.
But here’s the thing — in this very moment I knew I had a choice.
I possessed in me a choice to walk myself out of it, and though it would be difficult, I could self-soothe and call upon all the tools I’ve been working on through therapy over the years. But I didn’t.
A piece of me, small yet oh so loud, wanted to stay stuck in that black cloud of hurt and pain and victimization and dwell in the movie of unworthiness playing on the screen in my mind, if only for a while.
On Tuesday in therapy I asked my dear angel of a human why. Why is it I sometimes stick myself stuck in this loop of self-sabotage? Why do I feel the need to justify letting my dark thoughts run wild and free? Why don’t I want to enact the very steps I know will bring relief?
What she reminded me is simple but powerful. Transforming your mindset doesn’t happen in a snap, just like your body won’t change after one workout — it’s a practice, a lifestyle change made decision by decision.
We humans have been pre-programmed to desire control. When this control is lost, (and mind you, this sense of control is merely an illusion), we may react with fear and worry and toss about scenarios in our mind that are certainly not helpful nor even true.
Shutting this train down and instead finding peace all starts with one thought — I am okay, and all else goes from there.
I am OKAY. Roll out of bed, take a step in blind faith and then one more, walk down the hallway into the kitchen and prepare a cup of coffee like your life depended on it, meticulously comb your hair and swipe on just a touch of mascara, walk out the door and live the day minute to minute in near-painfully tedious awareness you are where you are because God put you there, and friend, it’s not an accident.
He’s sharpening your soul for something big. For we all know, refining is done in the fire.
It’s not easy. Hell naw. We’re practicing, remember? Some days it’s easier and other days it’s harder, you may wake up exhausted and bruised and not at all into doin’ the day. But remember this when the cloud grows dark and heavy over that pretty little head of yours — you have the power to do what you need to do through the One who created you.
Say it with me:
I am a match for my mountain. I take back the power of my mind, climbing one more step at a time, feeling the feels of life. I am okay. I am loved. I am worthy.
Just a note: I am so grateful for my ohana near and far during last week’s medical emergency shenanigans (goodbye gall bladder why the eff do we need you anyway?) — thank you for sending your love and prayers, for bringing flowers and groceries and mascara, for sitting with me during endless Netflix marathons, holding my hand for hours in the ER and fighting for my grilled cheese sandwich from the nurses, and thank you to my mama for flying out to handle it all in a moment’s notice and my daddy for talking to the surgeon to make sure I was getting the best care.
I love you all.